Breaking Hairdresser News: Choke Kidnapped By At Least 3 Germans

The Big Apple will rest easy knowing that the threat of forced tip-frostings can be put to bed once and for all.

On the real, though, this kinda broke my heart.  First, as an appreciator of this dude's expansive canon of works I don't like to see any of them derided, even by the dude himself.  But more importantly, this sort of humility and level-headed thinking is dignified and mature.  Please tell me how the fuck that bullshit fits with my favorite hyper-masculine, arch-conservative straight edge stereotype? 

It doesn't.  Let's fuck with some Zapruder shit:

Choke Is Being Fed Questions

At 0:49, 4:00, and 4:34 Choke is responding directly to a question.  We'll talk about just who is asking these questions in a second.  But for the time being, let's focus on this telling fact: no one who gives a willing, voluntary apology needs to be reminded of what they should be apologizing about.  And that's precisely what's happening here.

There Are At Least Three People Out Of The Frame (TL;DR Enabled)

Throughout the film, the frame "sways" in a fashion that is inconsistent with a mounted or stationary camera.  Further, Choke's left and right hands both appear in the frame at 4:22, meaning he could not be holding the camera himself (unlikely as it may be, the "sway" in the frame could possibly result from the camera being held on Choke's legs or between his feet).  What I'm getting at is this:  An individual is likely filming Choke, whom we'll call The Filmer.

The Filmer is also most likely sitting directly across from Mr. Kelly.  This is evidenced by the shuffling visible in the window reflection directly above Choke's head.  A great example of this is at 2:23, in which we see "The Shuffler"shuffle back and forth, as if putting weight on one foot and then the other.  This is important because The Shuffler and The Filmer cannot be the same person.  Throughout the film, as the Shuffler rocks back and forth, the frame does not move accordingly.  In fact, it seems relatively still.  As discussed above, the camera is likely being held by The Filmer, because the subtle movement in frame indicates that the camera is not on a table or tripod.  Just the same, The Filmer cannot be the person seen in the reflection of the window, otherwise the frame would move left and right wildly, in accordance with the shuffling of The Shuffler. 

In addition to The Filmer and The Shuffler, there is a third person in the room.  As shown most obviously at 0:49 and at 4:32, Choke is talking to The Questioner who is standing above him and to his left (our right, from the perspective of the camera).  First, The Questioner and the Filmer are most likely different people.  Assuming that Choke is addressing The Questioner's face when he turns to his left, The Questioner is at too great a height and too far away to easily film Choke from the camera's "straight on" perspective.

But The Questioner is not The Shuffler either.  Two critical pieces of evidence support this contention.  First, again assuming that Choke truly is addressing a person above him and to his left, this person could not possibly be the person seen swaying in the window reflection.  Notice the hinge visible on the bottom left (from our perspective) of the window.  A window with hinges on the left can only open "clockwise," that is by grabbing a handle on the right and "swinging" the window open by bringing your hand back to the left.  The important point here is that a window that opens inward like that can only reflect the image of people to Choke's right, not his left where The Questioner is standing.  The only way a "left hinged" window could reflect the image of a person to Choke's left is if it opened outward, which this window does not appear to do.  Further, and possibly more telling, at 4:37 it appears that Choke makes eye contact first with The Questioner and then with The Shuffler and back to the Questioner.

TL;DR--There's three heads in the room other than Choke: one filming, one standing behind the filmer, and one standing to Choke's left.  There's totally evidence too, pretty much.

Choke Apologized While On Tour In Europe

This one doesn't take Perry fucking Mason.  Video says April 2012 and Slapshot was on tour in Europe for the entirety of April.  But what if it wasn't actually filmed in April?

Not likely.  The window behind Choke is a "European Style" dual function window.  These windows not only open "in" like a conventional window, but also "top down" similar to how a draw bridge is lowered.  Take a look at the window.  The shadows on the left and right of the frame seem to get wider as you look up, indicating that it likely is at least "cracked" open in this top down fashion.  While these windows may be available in the US, I've never seen one here.  But they are ubiquitous in Germany and the Low Countries. 

Moreover, the metal object with holes visible outside the window is not an awning.  "The Party Tape" in-house German Correspondent TIGER noted, "Those are the German style 'outside blinds' that are on most buildings you've ever hid behind to smoke weed with a Faxe Can."

Conclusion

Here's what we know: Choke was touched by the crisp honesty of a Gruner Veltliner or a fucking pretzel or whatever and decided that he immediately needed to apologize to New York as a staff, record label, and motherfucking crew.  This could not wait until he left Germany, so he rounded up three people to film him and shuffle around like 5-year-olds with full bladders while he poured his heart out to the camera.  Oh, and he couldn't remember exactly what he wanted to immediately apologize for, so he had a freund stand around and remind him precisely what topics to cover.

Or there's a mystery going on.  And I'm about to solve it.

Miscellany

At 2:23--The number "30" is seen in the window reflection above Choke's head.  It would appear that he is seated directly facing a door with a window, which has the number written on it: 30, 30x, 30xx, etc.
At 4:35--The Questioner's voice is barely audible.  Though my Apple Ear Buds represent the pinnacle of audio reproduction technology, I still can't hear what the fuck is said.  Anyone with some headphones hand crafted by Dre wanna help me out?